


The Llama Who Is Actually An Alpaca

by DemonicGeek



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale loves him, CURSED FIC, Crowley loves Aziraphale, Fluff, Fluffy llama too, I am so sorry, I can't deal with these two, It may be a llama, M/M, NO ONE KNOWS, No beta we definitely fell like demons, SO FLUFFY, Sauntering Vaguely Grammarish, There's an alpaca, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is utter ridiculousness, crowley is an idiot, this is the dumbest thing I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-20 21:36:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21063563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonicGeek/pseuds/DemonicGeek
Summary: Based on the meme that states:"We've all got a mate who randomly disappears on a night out, then returns three hours later with new friends they met in the smoking area, cuts and bruises, a traffic cone, no phone and a llama."Crowley is the mate.This all makes far too much sense to me and I hate that it does.This fic is utterly cursed and this is what I get for listening to prompts.





	The Llama Who Is Actually An Alpaca

**Author's Note:**

> There are two of you responsible for this and you know exactly who you are. This is dedicated to you.

Everyone in the room looked up as the door slammed open. Crowley sauntered in, Aziraphale trailing behind him. This part was not surprising or odd in the least. What was surprising was that behind them both on a tether was what appeared to be a llama. And the llama had a traffic cone strapped to it’s back. Crowley was covered in cuts and bruises and Aziraphale only looked slightly smug.

Anathema was the first to recover. “We’ve been trying to call you for hours? What…”

Crowley raised a hand shushing her. “I’ll explain everything, but for the love of earth can someone get me a glass of wine and maybe some ice for my eye first?”

Madame Tracy turned to the kitchen, it was her home and her moving party after all. And she was quite sure she knew where the wine glasses were packed.

Everyone else watched as Crowley flopped down, limbs going every which way on the couch. Aziraphale appeared to consider the llama then shrugged and sat down at Madame Tracy’s table.

This was finally enough for Shadwell. “You- you can’t just bring that beast in here!”

“Llama.” Crowley called from the couch.

“It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear.” Aziraphale repeated from the table with the tone of someone who has said this phrase far too many times in the intervening hours.

Shadwell sputtered. “Whatever it is, it can’t be in here!” 

Crowley’s voice again came from the couch. “Got a better place for it? One, single better place? I don’t suggest tying it off outside.”

Shadwell sputtered into silence as Madame Tracy returned, handing both a glass of wine and an ice pack to Crowley. Crowley seemed to melt further into the couch.

“So, what’s the story?” Anathema seemed to have reached her limit.

“Well, you know Aziraphale was late and so I thought I’d just go, perhaps investigate.”

“Yes.”

“I investigated. That’s the story.”

Anathema turned beseechingly to the angel seated at the table. “Aziraphale?”

“I’m not sure what happened before Crowley found me, but you know how the M25 has had some… lingering fire problems? I’d gotten an alarm for one and went to go investigate. I was just using some holy water to put out the infernal flames when Crowley showed up-”

“And you doused my car with holy water and then sent it to the bloody moon.”

“Dear, to be fair, I was trying to keep it from burning.”

“It’s MY CAR. It wouldn’t have burned!”

Anathema waved her hand. “Wait, wait go back. What HAPPENED?”

Crowley sighed. “Look, I went to go find Aziraphale and when I tracked him down he was dangerously close to-”

“I wasn’t anywhere near it! You approaching the holy water on the other hand-”

“He was dangerously close to some infernal flames that he should have called me to handle.” Crowley finished with a bit of a strangled tone in his voice. “So I may have overreacted a bit when I finally found him, and driven the Bentley too close in order to get to Aziraphale and get him away.”

“And then as I was dousing the flames with holy water, well the Bentley got splashed and Crowley was so close and… well I solved the problem.”

“You transported MY CAR to the moon, angel. And don’t think I’m not going to make you go get it AND dry it off.”

“Yes, yes we were going to figure that out after the party.”

Anathema interrupted. “Wait, but wasn’t Crowley in the car?”

Aziraphale waved his hand. “Short matter, I transported him behind me as I moved the car. Just wanted to get him away from the holy water in a timely manner you see-”

“Never mind you were still standing too close to the infernal fire.”

“I was being careful, my dear.”

Newt glanced at the two utterly confused. “That still doesn’t explain the… the…”

“Llama.” Crowley supplied.

Aziraphale sighed. “It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear.”

“We needed a ride back to London. Couldn’t just go materializing wings in the middle of the day surrounded by all the humans. Anyway, there was a farm truck, had some room in the back. Of course, the angel got to sit up front.”

“I just cleaned my jacket and-”

“So I was in the back. With the llama.”

“It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear.”

Aziraphale could hear the low hiss as Crowley interrupted, though he wasn’t sure the others did. “Ssso I was in the back with the… animal. And the farmer started talking about how he was taking it to be put down and really it just needed the most basic of healings, any veterinarian should have been able to handle it.”

“So Crowley healed him.”

“Well what else was I to do?”

“Nothing, dear. It was clearly the right decision. That part was fine. But the farmer was set that there was no way the alpaca-”

Crowley grumbled “Llama.”

“The alpaca would be put down regardless as that was the plan for the day and the farmer was convinced he was still sick. So Crowley somehow, and I’m still not quite sure how, ended up trading the farmer the animal for his phone.”

“It was a good phone, that one.”

“Well at least that explains why you weren’t answering calls.” Madame Tracy smiled. “And the… animal. But why is there a traffic cone attached to his back? And what happened to you?”

Crowley fell uncharacteristically quiet.

Aziraphale smiled, but it was more than a little smug. “Well you see, Crowley had decided he quite earned a drink.”

“I had!”

“And I did warn him that the alpaca-”  
‘Llama!”

“-Would eat through the rope that he’d tied around him. But nonetheless, he tied him off and we went inside and just as I said when we came out-”

“No alpaca.”

“Llama!”

“It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear. And yes, the… animal… was missing.”

“I found it.”

“You did, my dear.”

“He’s a smart one. Was just two shops down munching on some flowers at the flower shop.”

“You’re right, he IS a smart alpaca.”

“Llama!”

“The snake that tried to catch him however-”

“Look, I needed something rope like and what’s more rope like than a snake and-”

“You turned into a snake to catch an alpaca?” Newt finally interrupted.

“No, I turned into a snake to have some way to tie up the llama-”

“It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear.”

“-He was already cornered in the flower shop.”

Aziraphale merely raised an eyebrow. “Apparently not well enough.”

“Well had my partner been assisting.”

“You were doing quite well on your own, my dear.”

“Anyway. The snake idea didn’t work.”

“Crowley got thrown off and kicked a few times before he could transform back. I believe the popular term the children use these days is noperope or dangernoodle? At any rate the alpaca-”

“Llama!”

“-Took off down the street at high speed.”

“So we couldn’t just let the bloody thing run through the city unsupervised.”

“We caught up to the animal at the same time as an officer did.”

“I tried to convince him it was just a new type of motorbike.”

“I mean, dear, you didn’t even use an actual temptation on it. It wasn’t the best of plans.”

“It probably would have worked if the llama hadn’t run off with his traffic cone.”

“It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear.” Aziraphale let a hint of a smile creep into his voice.

“Whatever. Anyway, we took off after him again. The animal, not the officer. The officer just kind of stood there confused.”

“Er, that may have been my doing. I thought the day was complicated enough.”

“We caught up to the foolish thing a way down the road.”

“And this time you were smart enough to miracle a rope.”

This time everyone in the room heard the hiss. Aziraphale smiled, unbothered.

“As I said, you were smart enough to miracle up a rope. So we tied the animal off, but it still had the traffic cone.”

“Aziraphale wouldn’t me leave it behind.”

“That’d be littering!”

“And much as I considered putting it on Aziraphale’s head, I thought on the back of the llama.”

“It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear.”

“-Would work better. Then we walked here. The end.”

“Well almost. There was that brief bit where you tried to convince another person it was a motorbike. What was it you told me? Oh yes. It’s reality angel, no one will notice.”

“Apparently a giant farm animal on the street is too much for a normal glamour.”

“And that brings us to here. With the alpaca-”

“Llama!”

“But I do so hope we’re not too late for the party.”

The room descended into a contemplative silence as the alpaca began to chew on one of the curtains.

The Them chose that moment to make their appearance, coming in from the garden.

Pepper was the first to recover. “It’s an alpaca!”

“Llama!”

Adam turned to the gathered adults. “We can keep it, right?”

“No, no, no, absolutely not we are not keeping that thing.” Crowley finally sat up from the couch.

“I’ll find him a good home on a farm somewhere, Adam. Maybe we can visit sometime.” Aziraphale smiled.

Crowley let out a woosh as he flopped back down.

“Can we just pretend the llama isn’t here?”

“It’s an alpaca, not a llama, my dear.”

THE END


End file.
